Earlier this year I had an epiphany, or an “aha moment” as our friend Oprah might say. I realized that I had been holding myself back from things that I want. Like, without even KNOWING it. I’d become so used to my daily routines that I trapped myself in them, in a way.
For instance, ever since I returned from Hawaii, I had been telling myself over and over again that I just want to “be at the beach.” Unbeknownst to me at the time, my brain created impermeable parameters around this desire. My brain had gone behind my back and defined “being at the beach” as living within walking distance from the ocean. And not just any ocean – one that was warm enough to swim in.
And guess what? I don’t live within walking distance of an ocean. Yet! But if I get in my car and drive for about 20 minutes I will be on a beautiful Puget Sound beach. I can basically do this whenever I want…but I wasn’t doing it! Instead, I was subconsciously cutting myself off from living the life that I have because it didn’t live up to the IDEAL LIFE CREATED BY MY BRAIN. 🤯
Edgewater Beach in Mukilteo, WA
When I realized what was happening, I got in my car and drove to the freaking beach. I can’t really describe what a huge difference a seemingly small mindset shift made in my life. It feels crazy. And this is just one example. Truthfully, before my February 2023 “awakening”, I’d been living in my brain much more often than living in the world since 2020.
Going to the beach that day opened me up. I started realizing other things I wasn’t seeing. I hadn’t been to visit Los Angeles since 2016 and this year I’ve been CRAVING California like I haven’t in ages. My brain had convinced me that going to L.A. was a big deal and needed a lot of planning and time, etc. After The Beach Day, I didn’t really trust my brain as much. So I asked myself, Rob Lowe in The Grinder style, but what if it wasn’t a big deal? P.S. If you can stream The Grinder anywhere, go do that. That show is hilarious and shouldn’t have been cancelled.
Since my husband works for an airline, we get travel benefits (that we are SO SO SO grateful for). I had yet to use them for a trip for myself. So it turns out (BRAIN!) that going to L.A. for one night wasn’t really a big deal. I wasn’t in a position to take a weeklong trip or anything like that, but one night? Absolutely.
Not long after The Day I Went To The Beach, I spent an entire week alone. Well, not “alone alone” because my pets were here, but “people alone.” Part of the time I was at home when my husband and son traveled to St. Louis so our son could spend time with his cousins. The rest of the time I took that trip to Los Angeles to see an Uta Barth photography exhibition at The Getty Center and visited some of my favorite places in West L.A.
A couple of things are important about this time.
1 — This was the longest amount of time that I’d spent alone since my husband and I started dating in 2007. (!!!)
2 — This was the first trip that I’d ever taken alone that wasn’t to meet up with other people. It was purely for me, doing what I wanted to do and going where I wanted to go.
I’ve had some weird hangups with being alone/being abandoned/death stuff that started in early childhood and was exacerbated during my first marriage. I don’t think I even really got over/through that stuff until way later after Drew and I were married and after I had my son. And it wasn’t until this year during this time alone that I got to experience who I truly am when I am by myself for a little while — without all of the early baggage of fear and anxiety that I’ve carried with me for most of my life. I was calm and joyful in my own company. I could see how I’ve grown over time and inner work. I felt truly at home in myself.
I guess the moral of this story is you can’t always trust your brain.
My brain was keeping me from experiencing some pretty cool things about myself and the world.
Not long after I returned from Los Angeles I was back at work in my studio, inspired by a piece of Mookaite Jasper that I brought back from The Spiral Staircase, a cool little shop located at one of my favorite restaurants, Inn of The Seventh Ray in Topanga, California. When I was painting Feel Sunshine, I was taken back to the feelings and sights and smells and memories and everything about Los Angeles that I hold dear.
Feel Sunshine is currently available for purchase here in my online gallery. If you want to hear what Feel Sunshine sounds like, (that’s right…SOUNDS LIKE!) check out Sunshine (Come On Lady) by Josh Rouse. I used to listen to his album 1972 constantly when I lived in California and made the beautiful drive up PCH to relax in Malibu. I hope you enjoy it!
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