With Melanie out for the rest of the week attending Alt Summit, I’ve volunteered to keep the blogging embers lit. Or to mix metaphors, you can think of me like John Locke, furiously tapping out the number sequence so the island doesn’t blow up. And just like the island, mysteries abound on the Inward Facing Girl blog. Many of those mysteries will have to wait until the movie version of this blog, but I can solve one of the biggest mysteries right now. It’s a question I’ve been asked so often that I’ve considered getting the answer tattooed across my chest. My only fear is that I’d get hypothermia or an acute case of blue nipples from constantly removing my shirt in public. That question, of course, is: “What’s it like being married to a fabulous blogger?”
Usually, I follow up that question with a couple of my own, “how much will I be paid for this interview” and “when will it air?” It’s a good idea to always answer a question with a question. Doing so gives you a chance to make up a fantastic answer and, if you’re lucky, might make the interviewer go away. See how that worked? I just typed some random keystrokes while formulating my answer and half of the IFG audience went back to their Words With Friends game.
So, what’s it like…. Well, being married to MY fabulous blogger is truly the most excellent experience I’ve ever had. (Much love, Sweetie!) It’s also rather aggravating challenging. Bloggers like to do a lot of unnecessary things. If you happen to live with a blogger and would like to continue to do so, it’s important to learn some coping strategies. Here follows the most valuable lessons I’ve discovered since Melanie started blogging regularly.
Breathe, my pasty friend. Breathe!
My beautiful wife starts her day earlier than the day starts. When most people are stumbling home to bed or calling party lines or sleeping, my wife is waking up to write. The cat has learned that Melanie will get out of bed at an ungodly hour and will loudly remind her if she forgets. With all the ruckus in my bedroom while I try to peacefully repose, I had to either a) wake up, too, or b) learn how to shut out the noise. Wrapping my fists in our cotton comforter and holding them to my ears helped a bit, but it also prevented me from knowing how loudly I was yelling “shut up, you rats!” I recommend taking a lesson from meditation. Listen to your breath as you inhale and exhale. Fill your lungs as deeply as you can, then draw out the exhalation before repeating. Focus on just the sound of your own breathing. If you can shift your focus away from those awaking freaks, you’ll be able to return to dreamland just in time to save the Wookie princess from the mob of zombie Ewoks.
You said there’d be Kool-Aid
You know how there’s a lot of crap on the internet? Back in the 90s, you probably ‘surfed the web’ regularly just looking for stupid stuff to gawk at and today your mom probably still sends you emails loaded with animated GIFs of sad puppies and smug birds. And you know how all that crap is just sorta randomly dispersed out there in cyberspace mucking up the hypertexts and filthifying the wifis? Well, there’s a website out there that allows obsessive types to organize all that crap. It’s called Pinterest. And bloggers love it.
Being in a loving relationship with a blogger means listening to her ramble on about how a-mah-zing Pinterest is. Don’t be fooled. Pinterest is a cult. Your blogger will claim that Pinterest saved her life. She will tell you that life is only half-lived unless you can “pin” to your board a photo of someone else’s food. She will praise on high the majesty of someone with the mystical name “oh joy!” and another named “sf girl by bay” who earned their pedestals by pinning photos of cups and chairs and other household items you probably never even noticed. She will demand that you join, too. She will tell you that no, nobody pins porn, and when you can’t see why anyone would waste their time then, she’ll give you an I-pray-for-your-soul look. If you don’t join right then and there, she won’t let it go. She will try again tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. Until the only way out of the chastisement is just to accept the invitation already and start the good work of pinning and repinning and repinning. So just join early. Honestly, you’ll be saving yourself, if at the very least from spraining your eyes from excessive rolling.
But I’m hungry now
Ever since Melanie and I first got together, one of our favorite things to do together is eat. We go out for breakfast at least once every weekend, often trying a place we haven’t yet tried. I also like to cook, baking something sweet or trying out a recipe that would appeal to both a vegetarian wife and an 18-month-old whose tastes change daily. We are fans of sliding food into our face holes. We used to even eat food before it reached room temperature. But ever since the woman became a blogger, every aspect of the meal has to be photographed. Because, really, isn’t it more fun to look at food later than to actually eat it? Why enjoy something today when you can imagine how enjoyable it is tomorrow? Sometimes a family has to makes sacrifices to appeal to readers, particularly if those readers might re-pin photos of your rapidly congealing dinner. My wife has even gone so far as to replace all of our dinnerware because it wasn’t photogenic. She hasn’t yet agreed that a bite in the burger will actually make it look more realistics, so I’ve learned to bring along a little snack in my pocket just to keep my blood sugar level in check.
Don’t get me wrong. My wife is awesome. Sure, her blogging lifestyle has caused me to make a few adjustments in my life, but maybe I was a little too pampered before. I mean, does anyone really need to get a good night’s sleep, avoid harassment, or eat when food is at it’s most appealing? Before Melanie started blogging as frequently as she does, I must have been a real dandy.
-Drew